I would say that it is not so much that I am a Mormon Feminist as that I have some questions and/or disagreements about certain areas of the Church (mostly historical), but definitely with some "feminist" things thrown in...
My testimony of the Church is fairly complicated currently, but I have over time been able to organize it in such a way that at least my relationship with the Church is simple.
I appreciate and love the Church. I achieved a certain level of peace when I realized that even if--and this is a huge "if"--the Church were not true, that the history, revelation etc, were not as we have learned--even if all of that, I would still want to be a part of this organization. I love the people, I want to be part of the Church that my family is a part of and loves. I like the teachings/values. I appreciate that my husband is not addicted to pornography and coming home drunk. I want my children to grow up with the values that will help them become the kind of adults that I want them to be: generous, loving, conscientious, with a stable family life.
I appreciate and love the Church. I achieved a certain level of peace when I realized that even if--and this is a huge "if"--the Church were not true, that the history, revelation etc, were not as we have learned--even if all of that, I would still want to be a part of this organization. I love the people, I want to be part of the Church that my family is a part of and loves. I like the teachings/values. I appreciate that my husband is not addicted to pornography and coming home drunk. I want my children to grow up with the values that will help them become the kind of adults that I want them to be: generous, loving, conscientious, with a stable family life.
Now that aside, I do not feel like a hypocrite attending meetings, holding a temple recommend and a calling, etc because there is a deep, inner part of me that truly believes that the Church is true. Now it is responsibility to reconcile my brain with that. The problem, I've realized, is that I tend to overthink things. I can see that my testimony was never simpler and more pure than when I was a child. My testimony probably was at its "best" when I was an older teenager--maybe when I was a freshman at BYU (interestingly this is about the age when we go on missions), because at this point I had some true intelligence and knowledge of the gospel, and yet I had not begun to overthink everything. I do realize that this is where the "becoming like a little child" or whatever comes in. The point is to regain that pure and trusting testimony--that easy faith.
Unfortunately, with my adult brain and what convoluted versions of history I am able to gather via the internet and other sources, this is a difficult mindset to achieve. Going back to my point, however: once I realized that even if the Church were not true, I would still want to be a part of it, this buys me time. Time to live and enjoy the gospel, time to appreciate my Sundays at Church and the good people that go there. Time to gradually either reconcile those questions that I have, or, as slowly seems to be happening to me, realize that it really doesn't need to be completely understood at this point because my mind and our worldly understanding is so finite that there's a good chance I wouldn't get it anyway. The irony of all this is, of course, that after the pain, tears and grappling, I have arrived at the Sunday school answer of "We don't need to understand these things right now, we just need to trust, and all will be explained one day." Haha.
"To some it is given to know, to others it is given to believe on their words". I really feel like I have been on different sides of this. In the last several years I have certainly relied heavily on the testimonies of others that I respect and admire: my family, my mother, my father...and the good, righteous, intelligent people of the wards that I have been a part of. If these people can truly believe and know these things to be true, it makes me think that I can too. I might not know it today, but I do believe I can get to that point--getting there my way, I guess.
And it comes full circle: the marriages that I want to emulate, the families that I would want to model my own after--these are families in the Church that have become as they are by living by the principles of the Gospel. So again, even if it weren't "true" or if all historical accounts have not been portrayed 100% "accurately," I would still want it. Of course, then there's the paradox of "by their fruits you shall know them": If I want the fruits, I guess I want the Gospel too (even if I don't completely understand it at this point in time).
And it comes full circle: the marriages that I want to emulate, the families that I would want to model my own after--these are families in the Church that have become as they are by living by the principles of the Gospel. So again, even if it weren't "true" or if all historical accounts have not been portrayed 100% "accurately," I would still want it. Of course, then there's the paradox of "by their fruits you shall know them": If I want the fruits, I guess I want the Gospel too (even if I don't completely understand it at this point in time).
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